My big girl....

My baby girl went peepee on the potty earlier.  She is getting so big.  It's so bittersweet.  I know she has to grow up, but why does she have to do it so fast???  She will start preschool on Tuesday.  It's just 2 mornings a week and it's very exciting, but just another step with her growing up.  I was packing up some of her clothes that she has outgrown (just in case we have another baby in a few years and it's a girl) and I was B-A-W-L-I-N-G!  It was awful. 

I'm sure all parents feel the same about the kiddos growing up.  I never expected it to be so emotional.  All her clothes make her look like a toddler now instead of a baby.  She drinks easily from cups with straws now and makes sentences.  She can sing "Jesus Loves Me" and do some hand motions, too.  She knows her colors, animals, and body parts.  She'll be 2 in October....2! *sniff, sniff*

To my Leah girl -- you are the biggest blessing EVER.  I am so proud to be your mommy and can't imagine life without you.  You make me smile and laugh and question my sanity all in the same breath.  You are the apple of my eye and I love you so very much! I am very proud of my girl!
Love,
Mommy

I breathe in...

I breathe out...put one foot in front of the other...

That's a song by Chris Cagle.  I LOVE IT!  I bet I've watched it on youtube about 100 times.  It is actually playing in the background as I type.  Ahhh.....

My grandmother is in a nursing home.  She's been there 2 weeks tomorrow.  I believe this is one of the hardest things to do.  It's necessary though. I know that.  She has dementia.  She was diagnosed in late January.  She's always been fiesty and had a temper, but it had just gotten worse.  The director of a geriatric psych facility that we went to talk to in Dec or Jan told us that dementia brings out the negative aspects of a person's personality. He wasn't kidding.  It is/was very difficult to listen to things coming out of her mouth that were so untrue, but in her reality was truth.  It's very hard to look at a person you have loved and trusted your entire life and just feel cut in half by things that are said.  She spent 3 weeks at the hospital before we had her moved to MHCC.  During the first week she was at the hospital, it became painfully obvious what we needed to do. And we did it.  I don't feel as much guilt as I did before, but there is still some there. 

July 18th my grandpa (who I called daddy because he was the only dad I ever knew) passed away 16 years ago.  Last weekend, she asked me if I had been to his grave.  Now, I haven't been over there in a long while.  I can't go.  I can go to any other cemetary and it doesn't bother me too much.  I drive by this one and it cuts me to the core.  I know he's not there, but still....it's what you do.  You visit the cemetary once in a while.  Maybe one day I will go again.

Leah is awesome...she is starting to talk in sentences...and we can understand her.  I never knew how much I could love someone until I had her.  I mean, I love John, but this is different. 

I guess I'm done for the night...I have tons of other stuff going through my head but that's for another time. Besides, it's really just rehashing stuff I've posted in my blogs before.

QOTD: Why can't we just let things go? Why do we hang on to stuff from the past so much?

Late night ramblings....

I am following the lead from another blog and just writing random notes here....just thoughts in my head.

Dear you..
I am wondering why I commented on a status today and then the status was gone.  You had posted a video and the song has stuck with me all day. Just wondering about that whole thing....I shouldn't even wonder. But I do. So there.
- Shel
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To you people -
Do you not realize we all get dressed the same way in the morning?  You aren't any better than anyone else.  You need to get over yourself.
Sincerely,
Me
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Dear Jennifer-
I miss you! I wish you lived closer.  Why can't you at least move to the Boro? Or Huntsville? Please?
-Shelly
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Dear John (that didn't sound good did it),
You are snoring beside me and I love you dearly.....but if you keep me awake I will pluck out your mustache with tweezers. Love you!
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Dear 1980s music writers/artists,
You have no idea the impact that the music still has on me 20 years later. They sure don't make music like they used to. There is no way to compare the ballads/love songs of today from the ones in the 80s/early 90s. NO. COMPARISON. WHATSOEVER. 
Signed,
A faithful listener

PS I probably will be the lady in the rocker on her porch in her 70s blasting 80s music. Just sayin'.
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Dear Sleep,
I guess it is time that I try to meet you now being that it is 12:03 am on Thursday, July 8th. 
And to that I bid adieu

Day of Blogging Silence for Baby Cohen

http://sendlovetocohen.blogspot.com/

Show Us Your LIfe....

Linking up over at Kelly's Korner for today's SUYL...CHINA PATTERNS

John and I picked out 2. Don't ask me why. I think I had read waayyyy too many bridal magazines that said in that Southern fashion "Pick 2, Pick 2" and I did. I had to find pictures of it off the web because mine is still packed up in our storage unit until I get dining furniture that I love (with a china cabinet I can keep little hands out of).

The first one is Wedding Band by Mikasa. I love the simpleness of it and that I can put any color on the table (flowers, napkins, etc) and it won't clash. My aunt, cousins, and a friend of the family bought my place settings. I was soooo excited.

The second one we chose was Stoneleigh by Nortiake. It has the same draw as the Mikasa. I have 2 or 3 settings of this one. I didn't have any formal glassware or silver. I will get that when I find a pattern I absolutely love. Besides, it's not like I have used the china yet!

Puzzle pieces...

I'm a puzzle piece. I just don't fit in some places....and I struggle with that. I'm not always put together (no kidding, right?). I'm usually in jeans or capris and a tshirt. I have very few dressy type shirts/oufits in my closet. I shop in the plus dept. I don't wear a lot of jewelry or makeup. My hair is usually in a ponytail. I work. We, unfortunately, don't have the resources for me to be a stay at home mom. Do I think I'm missing out? Yes! Do I struggle with it? You better believe it. Not as much as I did when Leah was first born, but I still do.

I just don't think I fit in with most other women. I have very few close girlfriends. I try not to alienate myself from things. Honestly, I don't do a lot of things because we simply don't have the extra money to do it. No, I'm not wanting sympathy. I don't want people to think "awww poor things" or any stuff like that. I'm just sayin.

John and I don't have our own home. We lived in an apartment when we first got married, then talked to my grandmother about us living with her while we paid some stuff off and then bought a house. Well, 8 years, 2 cars that needed replacing, a job change, a baby, a cancer diagnosis (and current remission for John), and we're still here. Now, with her having dementia and me wanting more than anything to leave- it's not possible. Guilt about leaving - yes. Money issues? Yes, we have debt. Yes, John listens to Dave Ramsey. No, it's not going away anytime soon.

I struggle so much with just wanting to be content. I know I'm extremely blessed to have John and Leah. I know that God has a plan...I know there's a lesson in everything. I know I should be patient. But it's hard. I don't want a big house. I don't want new cars (especially since mine is paid for and Hubs will be in a few months). I want a home for our daughter. I want a friendly, inviting place that people are welcome to drop by whenever. A place where I can fix meals and have little parties and such (finances allowing that is).

I'm really not trying to have a pity party post...I'm just trying to get some stuff out of my head. Maybe by typing this all out it will help me sort it out - who knows. If you made it this far - you're amazing :)

RAKs....

Linking up over at Kelly's Korner today for "Show Us Your Life" Friday...Today's topic is: Random Acts of Kindness. Yes, I'm aware today is Saturday. I couldn't keep the internet connection last night...It would stay on for about 5 minutes then I would lose the connection to the router. Ugh.

Ok...back to the topic at hand. Random Acts of Kindness. These are things that I have done or want to do....I love this kind of stuff :)

1. Sending little notes/cards of encouragement. I love doing this. I love getting mail besides bills. I have a whole box of cards to choose from and I'm constantly looking for new ones. I may or may not sign my name to them.

2. Paying for the person behind you in the drive thru. I haven't actually done this yet, but I may do it one day this week. Kind of one of those hidden blessings ya know?

3. Make a meal (or part of one) for someone that's sick, has a new baby, or just because.

4. Be nice to the checkout clerks. I've been on that side of the register and it made things better if the customer was friendly. You may be having an awful day, but don't take it out on the cashier. They've probably seen 100 of people just like you - be that 1 person that makes a difference :)

Those are the ones off the top of my head.