Here we go again...

I guess that is an appropriate title.  As of last Monday (May 9th)...I am trying to lose weight again.  My first weigh-in May 16th - I had lost 7 lbs.  I am excited that I lost those 7, but I know this is just the beginning.  That's ok though.  I didn't gain all this overnight....it's not going to go away overnight either.  My first mini-goal is 50 lbs by my birthday.  That's roughly 11 weeks.  It's not impossible.  If I don't get it exactly, I'm still not going to give up.

Another thing is on August 6th (my 35th birthday) - there is a 5K in Smyrna.  I kinda think I want to do it.  What better birthday present to myself than to run/walk a 5K?  

Why am I doing this you may ask? Well, it's not only to look better in clothes or feel better about myself.  Yes, I do want to look better and I do want to feel better about myself, BUT the main reason I'm doing this?  My 2 1/2 year old daughter.  She deserves to have a mommy that can run with her, play with her, and not get tired soon after starting.  She deserves to have a healthy mommy. 

See, I've always been the fat kid.  I got teased a lot in school, didn't go on many dates.  Face it: the guys that bigger girls like don't like bigger girls.  They want the trophy girlfriends.  Now, don't get me wrong, I did meet some guys that accepted me as I was....and for that I was thankful.  I met John and he liked me the way I was. He likes me the way I am, but I don't like me.  Does that make any sense at all?  There are parts of me that I like...but the bad outweighs the good.  So, here I am again.  I'm on week 2 of however many weeks it will take to get me to a place where I am content.  I know I have a journey ahead of me.  All I have to do is look at my daughter, and I have the motivation that I need.  Good friends are helping, too.  I'm very blessed.

So much to say...

I've got TONS of stuff on my mind tonight.  Guess it's as good a time as any to blog ;)

Mother's Day:   I am very thankful for my daughter, my mother, and my mother-in-law, but this year is different because Ma won't be here with us.  Honestly, I kinda wish we could just skip it this year.  My heart's just not in it.  On a similar note -  I have Leah and I am extremely thankful, but my heart aches for those angel mommies, those waiting on adoptions to go through, or those just waiting on God's timing to make them mothers.  I have been on the waiting end of it...it SUCKS.  Just know that you are not alone and I wish I could hug each of you.  I know there's a plan out there for each of you, just no one knows what it is. 

Career stuff:  You know...I am...um....er....29ish (ha!) and I have no idea what I want to do career wise.  I love my job now.  I've been at the same job for 12 1/2 years.  My boss is WONDERFUL, but I know that one day there will come a day where I will have to find another job.  I've thought about a few different things: being an appraiser (I have had my trainee's license since 2007 and it was going pretty well until the economy flopped so I let it lapse this last go round....I just don't have the oomph for it anymore), Nursing (it takes a VERY special person to be a nurse and I am just not that person),  having my own business (umm...startup capital anyone?), HR (you usually have to have a Bachelor's which I don't have), etc.  The list kinda goes on but nothing screams at me YES!! THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!  I'm so frustrated and I know that things will come around, but as a paycheck-to-paycheck family - I have to have some form of income.  Bottom line.

Me:  I don't even know where to begin with this one.  I am so blah about everything (except Leah).  Nothing excites me...nothing really wow's me.  I was talking to my bestie's the other day and told them both - I have no passion for anything.  I just go through the motions (Matthew West's song just popped in my head) of day-to-day stuff.  I'm sick of my weight but don't have the motiviation to do something about it.  I'm sick of looking frumpy but don't get up 10 minutes earlier to do my hair/makeup.  You know, I guess I just kinda think "what's the point".  That's an awful way to look at things, but this is my blog and I'm trying to be honest.  I'm reading all these other weight loss blogs where these ladies have lost a significant amount of weight. They talk about how good they feel, how their clothes fit, and just how everything is changing for them.  I read them and I'm amazed.  I'm so jealous (Yes, Jealous) of how well they've done...the clothes they are in, etc....but yet I don't do anything about it.  I'm hoping that changes.  I pray that changes.

Misc:  You know, there are sometimes that you just don't know quite what to say because you don't want to sound psycho.  I have a horrible tendency to care about whoever.  Seriously, if you were a part of my life for any amount of time...well, I still care.  No, I'm not gonna go all psycho on you or anything, but know for the most part you have at least one person rooting for you.

I guess that's it, unless I decide to lay somemore out there.
~Shelly

How's It Gonna Be?

-- I wrote this March 8, 2011....it showed up as January 26th so I had to edit it--

How is it that stuff that shouldn't bother you does?  Did that even makes sense?  Oh well - my blog - my thoughts -- get over it.  I guess I'm not the only one that feels this way. One of my bestie's & I have discussed the situations that bug us and thankfully, she feels the same way I do.  Things happen. People move on. You move on. The memories still remain.  The happiness of what was there kinda hangs on like a cobweb.  The what-if's haunt. People may fault me for my feelings or opinions.  You know what? I'm human.  I'm entitled to feelings. I'm entitled to my opinions.  You don't like them? So? I don't like your shirt.  Deal with it. ;) (that was supposed to be sarcastic humor).


On a different note: I'm ready for sunshine.  I'm ready for spring flowers.   I'm ready to be happy.  A week ago today we laid my Ma to rest beside my Popa.  I didn't think I'd be able to breathe but I did.  Wednesday wasn't so hard.  It's like a piece of me is missing BUT I have peace.  It's not to say that there is going to be a day when I won't have a complete meltdown....but right now I am taking it day by day.  I can only handle one day at a time.

A new year...another new beginning....

Happy 2011 all you **fabulous** people!

So I guess this year will start with the same resolutions we make every year: eat better, exercise more, be in better financial shape...you know the same old, same old.

But instead of starting this year that way....Hubs and I decided to END 2010 that way.  We joined a gym on Thursday.  Hubs went that afternoon, and I went yesterday.  He's already been this morning, and I'm going to go in a little bit.  I really hope this is the year that things happen.  I seriously want to be a healthier me.  A better mom, a better wife...a better everything.  I think my weight holds me back on a lot of stuff.  Mainly, just feeling comfortable in a room.

I (please hold your laughter) really want to do a 5k.  Seriously. I don't care if I have to walk the thing I want to do it.  My ultimate goal?  A half marathon.  I think I can...better yet. I know I can. I just have to get there.

A letter to my daughter on her 2nd birthday....

My baby girl-

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

Today (it's 12:04 a.m.!) you are 2 years old.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love you.  I watched you sleep for a while earlier and I remember watching you sleep when you were newborn.  You have changed so much!  You are soo smart -- you know so much and it cracks me up sometimes how you say something and it's in the right context.  You amaze me every day with the words you know. 

My heart is so full of love for you.  You are my long awaited blessing.  You are a huge answered prayer for Daddy and me.  There are so many people that love you in this world and you love them right back (when you are in a good mood - haha).  Your hugs are the bestest in the world!  Hearing you say "Mommy" and when I say I love you - you tell me "I wub you too" is the greatest feeling ever. 

I cannot imagine my life without you in it.  Being your mommy has been the greatest thing ever! I wonder sometimes if I am doing a good job and then I look at your little smiling face as you sing or read a book and I am reassured I am goind a good job.

I hope you know how much you are loved, Leah.   You are loved to infinity and beyond....don't ever forget that.  You are my firstborn, and no matter how old you get you will ALWAYS be Mommy's baby girl.  You are my world and I love you so very much!

With all the love in the world and beyond-
Mommy

Honestly.....

• I'm in a BIG OLE FUNK
• I love that song "Jar of Hearts"
• I cannot believe that my baby will be 2 in 9 days (since it's almost midnight I went ahead and did 9 days)
• I don't feel 34 years old.
• There are a few people I'd like to have long conversations with
• A really long road, a lot of music, and a good cry would do me good right now
• I keep finding more and more blogs to read. I have no idea how many I'm up to right now.
• I need motivation to get stuff done...I am so lazy when it comes to some stuff.
• I don't feel like there are enough hours in the day some days
• I hate diseases - cancer, dementia, and all the others out there
• I think I'm going to go to bed.....

Do You Know Who I AM? -- The Book

I cannot tell you the number of times throughout the book, I have thought to myself “that’s me!!” I read Angela Thomas’ latest book and I love it. She goes after those questions that so many women (and probably men, too) have and after the question is asked - God answers. Can’t you just see God putting His arms around us, giving a big hug, and time after time telling us – I am who I say I am. These are the tough questions…these are the questions that I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to just anyone and asking. It’s nice to know that God is the I AM that we need. He’s always going to be there.

Every chapter Angela has written is a wonderful reminder of just who God is. There’s nothing that He can’t (or won’t) handle. I think sometimes I forget that. One line caught my attention. Well, MANY caught my attention but this one stuck:

"A woman can forget about the riches she has received

because she has grown accustomed to their presence.”

Whoa. I’m so guilty of that. I get used to the way things are and just go with the flow until something shakes the way – then I “get out of the fog” so to speak and see what’s around me.

I hope that you will pick this book up for yourself. Read what God says. I’m sure there is at least one chapter that will hit you where you are. Many hit me.