Puzzle pieces...

I'm a puzzle piece. I just don't fit in some places....and I struggle with that. I'm not always put together (no kidding, right?). I'm usually in jeans or capris and a tshirt. I have very few dressy type shirts/oufits in my closet. I shop in the plus dept. I don't wear a lot of jewelry or makeup. My hair is usually in a ponytail. I work. We, unfortunately, don't have the resources for me to be a stay at home mom. Do I think I'm missing out? Yes! Do I struggle with it? You better believe it. Not as much as I did when Leah was first born, but I still do.

I just don't think I fit in with most other women. I have very few close girlfriends. I try not to alienate myself from things. Honestly, I don't do a lot of things because we simply don't have the extra money to do it. No, I'm not wanting sympathy. I don't want people to think "awww poor things" or any stuff like that. I'm just sayin.

John and I don't have our own home. We lived in an apartment when we first got married, then talked to my grandmother about us living with her while we paid some stuff off and then bought a house. Well, 8 years, 2 cars that needed replacing, a job change, a baby, a cancer diagnosis (and current remission for John), and we're still here. Now, with her having dementia and me wanting more than anything to leave- it's not possible. Guilt about leaving - yes. Money issues? Yes, we have debt. Yes, John listens to Dave Ramsey. No, it's not going away anytime soon.

I struggle so much with just wanting to be content. I know I'm extremely blessed to have John and Leah. I know that God has a plan...I know there's a lesson in everything. I know I should be patient. But it's hard. I don't want a big house. I don't want new cars (especially since mine is paid for and Hubs will be in a few months). I want a home for our daughter. I want a friendly, inviting place that people are welcome to drop by whenever. A place where I can fix meals and have little parties and such (finances allowing that is).

I'm really not trying to have a pity party post...I'm just trying to get some stuff out of my head. Maybe by typing this all out it will help me sort it out - who knows. If you made it this far - you're amazing :)